By Melinda Graczyk

Have you ever been in your workplace kitchenette or copy room and heard phrases or seen actions such as:

• “She’s pretty smart for a black girl.”
• “What did you think of that (insert activity here) at the team building? It was so gay.”
• “I received the quote for the (product) yesterday. I’m going to go back and Jew them down.”
• Telling lewd jokes or sharing stories about sexual experiences (even if it’s simply done in your presence).

I know I have, and so have your Black, LGBTQIA+, Jewish, and female colleagues, and most likely, they did not feel comfortable enough to speak up and correct the person making the comments. Sometimes the disrespect isn’t as blatant as a comment and appears simply as an individual speaking over or rolling their eyes at another.

Research has shown that being a better ally is one way all employees can stand against bigotry in all its forms at work. Allies are people from a group who do not generally suffer discrimination, but support those experiencing intolerance. The potential benefits of ally-ship in the workplace can take many forms. It can foster positive inter-group connections, undermine racism and other forms of oppression, and build a more positive workplace culture; but navigating complex situations at work and even simply being a good human is rarely easy.

Not all disrespect is based on bias or hate. Things like stress, communication style, and rivalries can all create ill-mannered workplace dynamics as well, but prejudice can be one of the more problematic drivers. Prejudice can be a catalyst of ridicule in ways that we may not be able to see, and this form of disrespect may also be a product of ignorance. There is always the possibility that people might not understand or simply do not know that their actions have a negative impact. Implicit bias shows up as unconscious actions, making it challenging to identify and even trickier to uproot. Here are just two examples of implicit bias:

• A white person at a conference lunch is more likely to sit at a table of white people rather than a table including people of color.
• A man is more likely to interrupt his female co-workers than his male co-workers.

Implicit biases are something that almost all of us have exhibited at some point. This behavior is not because we are bad people, but because we are part of a culture that, despite significant advancement, is still racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. Although it may not be comfortable to find out that we have been making missteps of our own, we can take action to change and correct our behavior.

There are several options for being a reactive ally when you witness bad behavior or harassment. None of the approaches are perfect or easy, and you may need to consider more than one option and select the one(s) that is right for each situation.

Several ways to consider intervening:

• The Direct Approach: After assessing the safety of both the target and yourself, be firm and clear to the instigator and have a conversation with them. Point out what they did and how it may have made the victim feel and provide options to change their behavior. This approach gives this person the opportunity to learn from their mistake and see their victim in their full humanity. No one is perfect, and the person making such remarks may not be aware of the hurt they are imposing on those around them.
• Indirectly De-Escalate: Start a conversation with the victim or find another way to draw attention away from the situation (i.e., spill your coffee, ask about an upcoming meeting, etc.)
• Delegate: Notify a person of authority about what is going on. In taking this approach, you delegate the situation to an authorized person in the company. However, HR departments are designed to protect the company, which, at times, may not always serve the victim’s best interests. If they run an investigation, HR may not be able to keep the situation entirely confidential. Additionally, witnesses may not feel comfortable disclosing full details, or “evidence” may not exist. The accused may also try to discredit the victim’s character to create confusion and build a defense.
• Check-In with the Target: After the incident is over, ask the victim if they need further assistance from management, the police, or simply company until they recover from the episode.
• Document: We are all familiar with this approach. Since your phone is likely to be nearby, record the incident, but it is important to NEVER post to social media. You do not want to insult or victimize the person being harassed further.

We all have room to improve in our interpersonal relationships. We need to live in a state of curiosity, not fear, and be willing to learn and work toward becoming excellent at caring for each other.

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What is Behavioral Intelligence?

Let’s start by defining our model. Behavioral Intelligence is the skills and abilities to accurately explain existing behavior, predict future behaviors, influence other people’s behavior, and control your own behavior. Behavior is the root of all success and failure in life. Thankfully, our behavior is a choice. We may not be able to control our feelings and emotions, but we can choose how we respond to situations and how we react to these internal impulses. With this in mind, let’s explore some strategies for dealing with difficult people.

This is NOT the Hill I Want to Die On.

First and foremost remember, “It’s your heart attack.” When you are dealing with difficult people, your limbic system ignites, dumping cortisol and adrenaline into your body. These stress hormones can be toxic if prolonged. This is why we need to use the “control” aspect of Behavioral Intelligence. Ask yourself, “Is this the hill I want to die on?” Most of the time, the answer should probably be no. Why? Because someone else’s terrible behavior should not be the cause of your heart attack.

Avoid Labels When Dealing with Difficult People

Separate the “person” from the behavior. We have a tendency to apply labels, which denote a sense of permanency. Bill is a jerk. Shauna is greedy. Note the word, “is.” This pre-supposes that Bill and Shauna are naturally this way and cannot change. They just “are” that way. While it may be convenient to think so, it is an explanation that ignores the fact that behaviors are learned, and that they can be unlearned.

Instead of applying labels, try to approach this by calling out the behavior specifically. “Bill yells at the employees when he is stressed.” “Shauna takes more than her rightful share of office supplies.” Removing the label re-introduces the fact that Bill and Shauna are choosing to behave in ways that are antisocial. By that rationale, they can also choose not to engage in those behaviors. Now we can work to influence their behavior to be less difficult.

Have a Difficult Conversation with Difficult People

One method to influence behavior is to address it directly. Terrifying, right? While this may result in a difficult conversation it’s worth it because remember, it’s your heart attack. Think of the cost of not addressing the behavior; stress, anxiety, frustration, and anger take a heavy toll on your mental and emotional well being. Directly addressing the issue is one method to resolve the conflict. You can check out our blog on body language and relationship building for tactics to help you navigate the encounter.

Employ Cognitive Empathy

Another method to influence behavior is to employ a cognitive empathy approach. This includes utilizing tools such as acknowledgment, flattery, and calibrating questions.

Acknowledgment helps to disarm the defense mechanisms of the difficult person. For example, “I can understand why you yell when your frustrated, if I had those feelings, I might want to yell too.” This helps the difficult person to feel understood. If they feel that you understand them, they are more likely to be influenced by you.

By flattery, I am not suggesting saying something like, “your ass looks great in those jeans. See our articles on sexual harassment. I am more speaking of employing strategies such as the Benjamin Franklin Effect. Not only will you enjoy the benefits of flattering someone by showing an interest in their interest, but also create a cognitive dissonance that will further give you the opportunity to influence.

Calibrated questions allow for the difficult person to solve the problem. These questions begin with “how” and “what.” For example, “How might we look to reducing your frustrations in the future?” “What would it take to feel more secure in the resources that are provided?” These evoke rational thinking and eliminate the possibility of short “yes” or “no” answers.

Find your Zen When Dealing with Difficult People

We cannot control other people; we can only control our own behaviors. To do so requires an ability to stay calm and focused even in the midst of conflict. Here are two strategies that we learned in kindergarten that are shown by neuroscience to be effective in reducing our limbic threat response. Take a deep breath and count to ten.

Taking a deep breath floods our blood with oxygen and tells our limbic to relax. After all, you would not be taking calming deep breaths if you were running from a lion, would you? This active approach signals to your system that the perceived threat is not a cause for survival concerned responses.

Counting to 10 gives you a small break from the situation, which then allows your rational thinking to override the limbic response. This can be executed by taking a short break if in conflict. Both strategies can help us manage our own threat response system, think more clearly, and often can stop us from saying something we will regret.

Conclusion

These strategies are just a few that encompass a Behavioral Intelligence approach to dealing with difficult people. In the most extreme cases where people are completely toxic and seemingly unmanageable, it may be the best strategy to remove yourself from the situation. A future blog post will cover dealing with toxic people, but for now, I hope this helps you to deal with that pesky colleague that drives you nuts. Remember, it’s your heart attack. Using a Behavioral Intelligence-based approach will help you control your own reactions to these difficult people. You are worth it.

You can learn more about dealing with difficult people by watching my TEDx talk on the subject below. Interested in an exhilarating keynote, coaching, or training in dealing with difficult people?

Contact us today for a free quote!

Written by Jay Johnson, CEO at Coeus Creative Group. Connect with Jay on LinkedIn

The post Dealing with Difficult People – Behavioral Intelligence Approach appeared first on Coeus Creative Group, LLC.